Heaven Can't Wait
Jerry Falwell died today at age 73, reactions will be varied around the world. His funeral should feature a stampede of Republican Presidential candidates, as well as the President, himself. Of course, there will be reactions outside the world as well.
The Scene: Heaven, May 15th, 2007
St. Peter: Lord, Reverend Jerry Falwell passed away today.
God: You think I don’t know that already?
St. Peter: Truly, You are all-knowing and omnipotent. I was merely commenting. Perhaps we need to prepare?
God: Prepare? Is the Pompous Windbag section full?
St. Peter: He did seem a trifle vain.
God: A trifle, like Paris Hilton is a trifle slutty, or Britney Spears is a trifle screwed up.
St. Peter: Who are those people, my Lord? Are they here yet?
God: Not for many years. You need to pay more attention to the goings on down there, my son, those mortals are quite a show. I would suggest watching Extra, or Inside Edition.
St. Peter: I shall Tivo them, Lord.
God: You can’t understand the new people without understanding their world.
St. Peter: You are truly a wondrous God.
God: Yeah, yeah – so what about Falwell?
St. Peter: Will You be conducting the entrance interview Yourself, Lord?
God: Why would I do that?
St. Peter: He was a great religious leader.
God: Oh, please. Pope John Paul, the Lubavitcher Rebbe, those were great religious leaders. This guy is a hate-filled pompous windbag. You can handle him.
Jesus: If I may speak for the deceased...
God: Defending the indefensible again, my son?
Jesus: It is my lot, Lord.
God: I can understand defending tax-collectors and prostitutes, they serve a useful purpose. What purpose did this man serve?
Jesus: He preached our word.
God: He subverted our word.
Jesus: His heart was pure – he believed in Us.
God: Was it pure? I can see in there, remember?
St. Peter: You are the King, you are the All-Knowing and Merciful Judge.
God: Thank you for reminding Me, Peter. Although the “merciful” part wasn’t needed.
Jesus: Sometimes he feels the need to remind You, Father.
God: How come I don’t get to hang out with the funny Hebrews? Where’s George Burns?
Jesus: We must focus on the Reverend Falwell. He is made in Your image.
God: Are not the gays, the Jews, and the Muslims made in my image? Yet Falwell had no trouble hating them.
Jesus: He did not hate them.
God: He had a strange way of showing his love.
Jesus: Yet he felt he was doing Our will and following my teachings.
God: That’s always the excuse, isn’t it? And where did you teach that war was a good thing? Did you not take in society’s outcasts, rather than reject them? And where did you preach cutting taxes as the path to salvation?
Jesus: Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do.
God: It’s been two thousand years, I would think you could move on from that.
Jesus: It’s my human side, Father.
God: I hope you gave your mother something for Mother’s Day.
Jesus: I gave her the blessing of peace.
God: And I’m sure she said it was just what she wanted. So all these people who subvert your teachings, who twist the words of Moses and Mohammad to their needs, they get a pass. Suicide bombers and assassins get greeted like decent human beings. Although I must admit that I love the look on their faces when they find out they’re not getting to have sex with 72 virgins.
St. Peter: Truly, the Lord appreciates irony.
God: The Lord invented irony.
St. Peter: Perhaps we need a new revelation, to bring mankind together.
God: Angels always want a revelation. That way they get to be Me for a few minutes while some poor human is in awe of them. Humans are too sophisticated now, and revelations only confuse things anyway. The last angel that tried that was Moroni, who told a story to that Joseph Smith guy. That ended up with them thinking blacks were inferior, polygamy was divine, and drinking coffee was a sin. Oh, and lots of people getting killed – as always.
Jesus: Shall We forgive Reverend Falwell, and welcome him, Father?
God: You know I’m going to.
St. Peter: Truly the Lord is a forgiving and generous God
God: You can say that again – and doubtless will. Okay, let Falwell in – we can room him with Ayatollah Khomeini for a couple of centuries, that could be good for some fun.
And Jesus laughed.
Fade Out.
The Scene: Heaven, May 15th, 2007
St. Peter: Lord, Reverend Jerry Falwell passed away today.
God: You think I don’t know that already?
St. Peter: Truly, You are all-knowing and omnipotent. I was merely commenting. Perhaps we need to prepare?
God: Prepare? Is the Pompous Windbag section full?
St. Peter: He did seem a trifle vain.
God: A trifle, like Paris Hilton is a trifle slutty, or Britney Spears is a trifle screwed up.
St. Peter: Who are those people, my Lord? Are they here yet?
God: Not for many years. You need to pay more attention to the goings on down there, my son, those mortals are quite a show. I would suggest watching Extra, or Inside Edition.
St. Peter: I shall Tivo them, Lord.
God: You can’t understand the new people without understanding their world.
St. Peter: You are truly a wondrous God.
God: Yeah, yeah – so what about Falwell?
St. Peter: Will You be conducting the entrance interview Yourself, Lord?
God: Why would I do that?
St. Peter: He was a great religious leader.
God: Oh, please. Pope John Paul, the Lubavitcher Rebbe, those were great religious leaders. This guy is a hate-filled pompous windbag. You can handle him.
Jesus: If I may speak for the deceased...
God: Defending the indefensible again, my son?
Jesus: It is my lot, Lord.
God: I can understand defending tax-collectors and prostitutes, they serve a useful purpose. What purpose did this man serve?
Jesus: He preached our word.
God: He subverted our word.
Jesus: His heart was pure – he believed in Us.
God: Was it pure? I can see in there, remember?
St. Peter: You are the King, you are the All-Knowing and Merciful Judge.
God: Thank you for reminding Me, Peter. Although the “merciful” part wasn’t needed.
Jesus: Sometimes he feels the need to remind You, Father.
God: How come I don’t get to hang out with the funny Hebrews? Where’s George Burns?
Jesus: We must focus on the Reverend Falwell. He is made in Your image.
God: Are not the gays, the Jews, and the Muslims made in my image? Yet Falwell had no trouble hating them.
Jesus: He did not hate them.
God: He had a strange way of showing his love.
Jesus: Yet he felt he was doing Our will and following my teachings.
God: That’s always the excuse, isn’t it? And where did you teach that war was a good thing? Did you not take in society’s outcasts, rather than reject them? And where did you preach cutting taxes as the path to salvation?
Jesus: Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do.
God: It’s been two thousand years, I would think you could move on from that.
Jesus: It’s my human side, Father.
God: I hope you gave your mother something for Mother’s Day.
Jesus: I gave her the blessing of peace.
God: And I’m sure she said it was just what she wanted. So all these people who subvert your teachings, who twist the words of Moses and Mohammad to their needs, they get a pass. Suicide bombers and assassins get greeted like decent human beings. Although I must admit that I love the look on their faces when they find out they’re not getting to have sex with 72 virgins.
St. Peter: Truly, the Lord appreciates irony.
God: The Lord invented irony.
St. Peter: Perhaps we need a new revelation, to bring mankind together.
God: Angels always want a revelation. That way they get to be Me for a few minutes while some poor human is in awe of them. Humans are too sophisticated now, and revelations only confuse things anyway. The last angel that tried that was Moroni, who told a story to that Joseph Smith guy. That ended up with them thinking blacks were inferior, polygamy was divine, and drinking coffee was a sin. Oh, and lots of people getting killed – as always.
Jesus: Shall We forgive Reverend Falwell, and welcome him, Father?
God: You know I’m going to.
St. Peter: Truly the Lord is a forgiving and generous God
God: You can say that again – and doubtless will. Okay, let Falwell in – we can room him with Ayatollah Khomeini for a couple of centuries, that could be good for some fun.
And Jesus laughed.
Fade Out.
Labels: humor, Jerry Falwell, religion
posted by Barry Rubinowitz at 1:02 PM
1 Comments:
I was struck by Sharpton claiming that, while they disagreed on almost everything, he (Falwell) was sincere in his beliefs. I guess he sincerely believed that Jews, Muslims, gays, blacks, were less than human, that the world was comprised of people and countries easily categorized as good or evil, and that God was on his side.
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