Monday, May 05, 2008

Calling Henry Waxman

Roger Clemens issued a statement last night apologizing for mistakes in his personal life, while assuring people that he never did performance-enhancing drugs or 15 year-olds. I’m sure that’s very reassuring to his wife and kids, as well as his lawyers, who are getting ready to buy new boats based on the legal fees they are about to pile up. But there is still one key group yet to be heard from – the U.S. House of Representatives. That’s right, Congress clearly needs to investigate this, for the sake of the children. I mean, if they need to hold hearings to protect children from steroid use, surely they need to protect them from sexual exploitation by famous people. I want to see these hearings just to see the Republicans defend Clemens on this one as vigorously as they did on the steroids one.
“Mr. Clemens, you are one of the greatest pitchers of all time and I am honored to be discussing underage girls with you today. I think you are being unfairly accused by unscrupulous reporters looking for a cheap thrill. A man like you, famous, talented, and if I may say so, darn good-looking, must have his pick of women to fornicate with. I find it incomprehensible that you would choose a 15 year-old. And who among us has not seen a young woman who looked 18, but then turned out to be younger? Come on, we have to be fair here, young girls look more mature every year. You meet them, they say they’re 18 or 19, what are you going to do, ask to see their birth certificate? You have the respect and admiration of all Americans, Mr. Clemens, and I am horrified that we have chosen to drag you here today.”
Sounds like fun, doesn’t it? Come on, Congressman Waxman, this could be a wonderful summer replacement for the tedious Democratic nomination race.


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