New Republican Talking Points

With the imminent loss of the House (and maybe the Senate), it’s clear the GOP is going to need to spin even faster to make the misguided American voters understand the “truth”. Here at The Nattering Nabob, we have gotten our hands on an early draft of post-election talking points to convince the American people that all is well.

1. Since the terrorists wanted the Democrats to win, the new Congress is a victory for the terrorists. In order for the Terrorist Congress to not cause damage, more power must be vested in the executive branch, as it’s clear the Commander-In-Chief is all we have left.

2. Since only desperate people kill, it’s obvious the increased death in Iraq is a sign of the desperation of the insurgency. Therefore, the more people killed in Iraq, the closer we are to victory.

3. Setting a date for us to leave Iraq would mean the insurgents would have increased confidence in their inevitable victory. Confident in victory they might stop killing our troops, and as we know from talking point #2, fewer deaths mean defeat.

4. More and more people are losing their health care coverage. This is a good thing, since if only the wealthiest and healthiest Americans can afford health insurance, health insurers profits will increase, their stock will go up, and a rising stock market makes all Americans wealthier. So fewer insured people is good for the economy and will make us all rich.

5. Increasing stem cell research might be giving people false hope of cures. It’s better to not increase it and give them no hope, which gives them more time to pray. (This is actually a current talking point, but the issue isn’t going away.)

6. George W. Bush isn’t the worst President ever, he’s the 43rd best President ever.